Acceptance

www.antiquesilver.org.uk

In all the articles and posts I have written over the years, this has been the most difficult to write for two reasons. One, it is intensely personal, and second, I am not sure how coherent it will be. My prayer is that this article will be understood despite my failings as a writer, that the Spirit can make what I am trying to explain understandable.

These past months, I have discovered the power of the "acceptance" of my true feelings and thoughts. I have found in my discussions with friends and my husband, that it is likely that most of us suppress our true thoughts and emotions. I want to share a personal example of this:

Shortly after I started to homeschool, my two boys (ages 4 and 6) were causing a lot of problems in Primary. The Primary President was a good friend of mine and we were having a discussion about my boys. Because I was new to homeschooling, I was still dealing with the doubts of whether or not we had made the right decision in keeping them home. I asked her opinion about the situation, and she asked if I really wanted to know what she thought. I replied that I did. She then proceeded to tell me that she did not think it was a wise decision and explained the reasons why she believed the way she did.

Her comments surprised me, I had not believed her to be so adamantly opposed to homeschooling, and I felt judged by her. At the core, I felt angry and resentful, but I suppressed these feelings with telling myself things like, "I shouldn't be offended. I asked her to be honest...She was just giving me her opinion...She didn't mean to hurt me, why can't I get over this?", etc...

That discussion took place over two years ago. I have felt distant and aloof from her ever since our chat. The truth is, I have continued to suppress that anger and resentment and have never really "accepted" it or wanted to recognize it was there until now. I have tried to rationalize why I shouldn't be offended. I have tried to speak to her and "overcome" the anxiety I feel around her, but to no avail. I believe that none of these things have been successful because I have never admitted to myself, at the very core, she hurt me deeply, and it made me angry.

Now that I have truly "accepted" that I am angry, hurt, resentful, and feel judged, I can choose to go to the Lord and ask Him to help me soften my heart to forgive and finally be able to let it go. I could never make the choice to forgive before, because I never acknowledged my true feelings. I was always trying to rationalize my true feelings away. I find that I do this a lot in life with thoughts like, "I shouldn't be afraid, I shouldn't think that, I shouldn't get angry, I should just let it go," and so on. All these things I have found are just suppressions of what I am really thinking and feeling.

My goal now is to accept what I really feel and think, no matter how sad, or horrible it makes me feel. Some of this has been intensely painful and difficult. I realize that I think and, more importantly believe, things like 'I am a failure', 'I can never be consistent', 'I hate myself', 'I'm a horrible mother,' etc. We have been taught that these are negative thoughts and from Satan. I don't dispute this. The problem comes when I suppress them and don't face them head on. As I discover these "core beliefs" I realize that they are my perceptions, and they are my reality. If I believe, in my heart, that I am not a loving, nurturing, caring, or patient mother, I never will be. Try as I might to overcome that belief, it is still what I believe deep down in my heart. As I have started to explore and "accept" my core beliefs, I have compared them to what I know about God and His teachings, which I consider "True Reality". Do my perceptions match or are they in opposition to His teachings? If my perceptions are in opposition to God's reality, how do I change and overcome them? The first step, for me, has been "acceptance". We cannot change what we are not willing to accept and recognize is there. We must first take responsibility for our false beliefs or perceptions before we can choose to repent and change them.

Last month I took a little vacation all to myself, a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts. The whole purpose was for me to have the time to evaluate what I really believed about myself (my perceptions), and work to change those perceptions to mirror God's reality. The first morning I woke up and read in Alma chapter 26. Ammon is speaking about how the Lord has blessed them as they have been able to convert the Lamanites. He is rebuked by his brother for being "boastful" and this is his reply:

12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak...

My first reaction was, "Really, Lord? I came all this way for you to tell me I'm weak? I already knew that!"

But thankfully, I continued to ponder this thought. Had I, at my core, accepted that I was completely nothing? That no matter how hard I try to prove my worthiness, I will always be an unprofitable servant? (Mosiah 2:21) It seems I have spent my whole life never being willing to accept that I am nothing. My perception was that I had to prove to myself, (and to God) that if I just worked hard enough, prayed enough, was consistent enough, etc, that I would be deserving of the Atonement. But God's reality is, I will never feel like I can do enough to deserve Christ's gift, because at the core, I don't deserve it and I never will. Is there anything so humbling as being given a gift that you know, unquestionably, you do not deserve? This reminds me of the priest in Les Miserables who gifted the candlesticks to Jean Valjean after he had been caught stealing other precious items. The acceptance of those candlesticks changed the course Valjean's life.

It is the ultimate paradox, I am of infinite worth as a daughter of God, but I will never be deserving of Christ's sacrifice. It is a gift I can never repay, nor earn or feel I deserve. The power, for me, lies in the acceptance of the Atonement and the acceptance of my unworthiness in receiving it. Truly accepting this has completely changed my perceptions in life. It has humbled me beyond belief and as I have partaken of the Grace that has so lovingly been bestowed upon me, I find myself pleading with God to help me love as He does. To serve and love others, to be allowed to be an instrument in His hands. I know that I can never repay this most miraculous gift, but I want to try. My purpose in serving others is no longer to prove my worthiness, but, in contrast, is an acknowledgement of my unworthiness.

We are all magnificent sons and daughters of God, and yet completely undeserving of Christ's gift for us. One may think that when one recognizes his/her nothingness that he/she will not be able to accomplish great things. But as we read again in Alma 26:

12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever. (emphasis added)

In recognizing and accepting my nothingness I can choose to partake of the Lord's strength and I, too, can accomplish "mighty miracles". As I have read the scriptures I find prophets, time and time again, acknowledging their failings and weaknesses. Yet, I do not perceive these prophets and their examples as weak! They acknowledged their weaknesses, and the Lord made them strong! Ether 12:27 tells us precisely this!

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I pray that in honestly accepting and acknowledging my true feelings, emotions, weaknesses, and sins, God will do the same for me and I can be an instrument in His hands for good. After reading this article, my husband asked me why I choose to write about personal issues so often. My hope is that this will help those that read it to learn from my mistakes and trials and see how gracious, kind, patient, and loving our Heavenly Father is.

Jenny is the nutty mother of 5 kids and is married to a child psychologist (it's great to have psych help on site). Her varied ramblings are found at We don't call people poopyheads. Her interests are basically anything that makes her abnormal, such as homebirthing, homeschooling, herbalism and natural healing, holistic iridology, and a survivalist wanna-be, to name a few.