Summer is here! It is that time of year again. The sounds of children laughing as they run outside and birds chirping in the trees above can be heard along with the sounds of lawnmowers, the ice cream truck, and. . .
and . . . .
and . . . .
mothers saying how torn they are that school is out and they have to entertain their children all day long and they won't have that freedom and quiet they had during school hours.
I feel terrible. Many of the comments I've heard from these mothers are said in front of their children! I wonder how their children feel knowing mom would rather have them gone, out of the house, away at school so she can have her "free time." It breaks my heart.
I have thought and thought about these comments. Having homeschooled my children all their life I have had them around me constantly, round-the-clock, and honestly, I can't imagine sending them away from home for so many hours a day to be instructed by someone else who hasn't been given the heavenly charge to to teach and nurture my children like I have been. In trying to understand these mothers' points of view I have had some good discussions with them and learned a few things.
One point usually brought up by them is something like, "I don't know how you can stand to be around your children for so long. Mine drive me nuts after a while." I wonder if a mother can't enjoy being around her own children - then who has failed in teaching them how to interact, behave, and be enjoyable to be around in the first place? Is that a harsh assessment? Maybe. Sister Julie B. Beck said the following when speaking about raising her own three children:
"I wanted to raise people who would be my friends when I was old. That means we had to do some things when they were young that would build them into the people I would enjoy being with when I was older.
We had to teach manners--you have to be clean, you can’t be stupid, you have to have something in your head we can talk about. I wanted to be around thinkers when they were older and people who could laugh and enjoy life and do some fun things. That meant I had to be a parent when they were young so I could be their friend when they were older.
It is difficult to parent on a day-to-day basis with precision. You’re never perfect at it, it takes a lot of revelation and help to know how to get through a situation day by day and know the needs of a person--a unique person--who is developing and you don’t know who they really are inside and how to get that out but you’re working toward building somebody you want to know when they’re older.
If you can’t build those characteristics in them when they’re young then you won’t like them when they’re older." (Mormon Channel, Converstaions with Julie B. Beck)
Another point brought out by these mothers is their "lack of freedom" in the summertime. Freedom from what? The responsibilities they have to teach and nurture their children? Freedom from their duties as mothers? I love this question posed by Sister Beck at the recent BYU Women's conference:
"Am I aligned with the Lord's vision of me and what He needs me to become, and the roles and responsibilities He gave me in the heavens that are not negotiable? Am I aligned with that or am I trying to escape my duties?" (see the video of her talk at BYUTV).
Can you tell I just love Sister Beck? She is a no-nonsense, tell it like it is woman!
We know mothers have been given the heavenly charge to nurture and teach and care for their children.
"Teaching in the home is becoming increasingly important in today’s world, where the influence of the adversary is so widespread and he is attacking, attempting to erode and destroy the very foundation of our society, even the family. Parents must resolve that teaching in the home is a most sacred and important responsibility. While other institutions, such as church and school, can assist parents to “train up a child in the way he [or she] should go” (Proverbs 22:6), ultimately this responsibility rests with parents. According to the great plan of happiness, it is parents who are entrusted with the care and development of our Heavenly Father’s children.Now I also know many, many mothers who are not like these mothers who feel trapped and at a loss when summer rolls around. They are like Sister Marjorie Hinckley was:
Parents must bring light and truth into their homes by one family prayer, one scripture study session, one family home evening, one book read aloud, one song, and one family meal at a time. They know that the influence of righteous, conscientious, persistent, daily parenting is among the most powerful and sustaining forces for good in the world. The health of any society, the happiness of its people, their prosperity, and their peace all find common roots in the teaching of children in the home.
The inspired document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” states:
“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. ‘Children are an heritage of the Lord’ (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. …
“… By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).
According to “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” the principles I have taught about teaching in the home apply to both parents, but they are especially crucial to the role of a mother. Fathers most often spend much of their day away from home in their employment. That is one of the many reasons so much of the responsibility for teaching the child in the home falls on mothers. While circumstances do vary and the ideal isn’t always possible, I believe it is by divine design that the role of motherhood emphasizes the nurturing and teaching of the next generation." (Elder L. Tom Perry, Mothers Teaching Children in the Home)
"[She] loved the sound of the screen door slamming shut as children ran in from the backyard. . . .Marjorie savored the days she had her five to herself, and she went to great lengths to keep summers unstructured so her young ones would have time to lie in the gully and listen to the birds sing if they wanted to. She wept each fall when it was time to send her brood back to school, even when school was in session she looked forward to the moment each day when her children burst through the door and started scrounging for an afternoon snack. One day when Dick had to stay after school for some grade-school discipline, Marjorie marched over to his classroom and announced to his startled teacher, "You can do anything you want with this boy all day long, but after 3 PM he's mine." (Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley, pg 52-53)They treasure the time they have with their children and their children know it.
So back to the mothers who complain when summer rolls around again. Most of the mothers with these concerns are good women. They are trying to be good mothers. They have just lost sight of what their original charge is. They have listened too long to the pull and distractions of the world telling them they deserve a break or they aren't qualified to teach and care for their children in the first place.
How do you or would you respond to the comments of these mothers?
Montserrat enjoys classical music, playing the piano, reading biographies, sewing, and playing a good game of Scrabble and dreads summer days for a different reason - it's the busiest time of year on the farm! She thinks spending time with her family is truly heaven on earth. You can follow her family's varied adventures at Chocolate on my Cranium.
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AMEN! I too feel this sadness year after year when I hear those all too familiar words coming from women - good woman.
I attended an Activity Day event where the girls had to guess their mothers favorite things. One girl guessed that her mother's favorite day was Monday. When asked why?, the girl replied "because that's when we go back to school and get out of her hair." Both the mother and daughter and several others in the room chuckled and it took everything I had to contain the tears.
I count my blessings that I love my children and their company and that they know it!
I realize this doesn't answer your question. I have no great response to this. I think i'll ponder on that for a while. Thanks for the great quotes.
Well, I have to admit that although I am a homeschooling mom, and am trying to help my children become adults I would love to know.... at times they DO drive me nuts. They are so high energy, and it wears me out. I do need breaks from them.
That said, there is no way I could send them off to school all day! I do love having them run to show me their latest lego creation, or run for a kiss on their "owie". Although it can be annoying, it is also wonderful to have a 3yo following me around... even waiting for me to come out of the bathroom. (she doesn't do it constantly... but there are days...)
I get comments like "how do you do it?" and I wonder "how could I not?"
Thank you for sharing those quotes from Sis. Beck and the story of Sis. Hinckley. I really need to hear that because I'm somewhere in the middle of those two groups of women. I start crying just thinking about all the time lost if I sent my kids to school. But I'm ashamed with how often I want to lock myself in a closet just to get away from them. Time for me to take another step in the right direction.
I don't really know what I would say to those comments. In the past I've just kept my mouth shut since I'm much better at listening than speaking. But more and more I feel like speaking up. What to say...
It too makes me sad when people say things about wishing their kids were back in school, or when they post comments on facebook about it. When people ask about how I do it every day all year, I tell them that I do get frustrated too, but then I stop and remind myself over and over that the kids are not getting in the way of my work, but the kids ARE my work. It helps put things back in focus for me. I think of Charlotte at the end of the book "Charlotte's Web", when she has finished her egg sack and tells Wilbur that it's her Magnum Opus, her Great Work. I try to think of my family that way.
Like Lindsey I too can find myself in the middle. That is why I love articles like this they help remind me why I became a mother.
I agree with the article that this world has convinced us that our place is not at home with our children, but to be off doing better, grander things. We as Latter-day Saint women know the truth, our place is in the home. Not as servants to our home, husband and children but as wise wonderful teachers of these beautiful creatures that our Lord has entrusted to us, helpmeets to our CHOSEN mates, and caretakers of our humble "heaven on earth" abodes.
I have only been a homeschooling mom for a year now, but I have enjoyed my year and look forward to the many to come. I have heard many women balk at me when I state I homeschool and heard countless of excuses given as their reply as to why they don't or can't homeschool.
I understand not every woman can homeschool, I realize it is not for everyone. I felt that way until last year. But I grow tired of the excuse "I can't teach my child, they won't learn from me". That is what you have been doing for their whole life, and it doesn't stop just because your child is in school. You do still teach them even if they don't seem to be learning or they are more rebellious than you want them to be. That is the only excuse that seems to really grate on my nerves. Do you stop teaching your children the gospel because you "can't teach your children"? If so how sad that you accept this and do nothing about it. There are so many different things that can be done but I guess it depends on how lazy you have become as to the approach taken, or lack of.
Is it easy to get discouraged?! YES! We are after all human. Erin has it right that you do have to constantly remind yourself what is most important. It is about patience, love and self control. Love being the most important thing we can show our children. We are commanded to Love One Another and it starts in our home. This world is getting ugly and that is because it started in the home.
I loved the responses from the previous 4 women, it helps strengthen me when I read them. Maybe you can't homeschool your child but remember when you do have them to show them you love them.
Cocoa,
I LOVE this!!!!!!!!!! What a wonderful, inspiring post. You have written the words so many of us want to say, but don't know how. I can't wait to re-read, savor, ponder on, and share all the wonderful quotes you've given us today. THANK YOU for the uplift today!!!
Love,
Rachel
P.S.- I was recently asked by my R.S. to teach a workshop on "Boredom Busters". Oh, man! At first I worried about the message I knew I wanted to give, but then I decided they must have been inspired to ask me, so I did! And my central message was that our time as mothers with children under our influence is so short, that we should cherish and use every moment-- and not complain about being around our kids!
I was planning to blog about it, and now you've encouraged me to do it soon! So thank you again!
It always makes me sad to hear those comments as well! And I love Sis. Beck's thoughts about what kind of "friends" she wanted to raise in her kids!
AMEN! How thankful are we for Sis. Beck?
In a chat with another mom the other day I said, "So let me get this straight...you are so relieved that school is out so YOU don't have any school projects to work on but in 8 weeks you will be begging the school to start up again. Have I got that right?" She just smiled sheepishly and said, "Yep."
And I said to myself..."And she wonders how I do it!" ;)
My children attend public elementary and High school. Currently there are my 3 and only 2 others which are members of the church in the elementary. In high school there are my 2 older children and about 5 other active members. We are teaching our children if we allow them to fail and succeed in the world. I have a testimony that our children were saved for the latter-days to be missionaries. They are a choice and brave generation. One of my daughters has baptised one of her friends and they each take friends to girls camp each year. My three oldest girls have all served as ASB presidents, are involved in DECA club, serve in their different callings in YW, are excited to speak in sacrament, love the gospel and look forward to missions and temple marriage. They are aware of the dangers of society and know that their Heavenly Father loves them and that if they have faith in him the Holy Ghost will protect them. They have experienced this first hand. Just think how much our public schools would blossom and improve w/ your righteous sons and daughters there to lead and guide those who have no one to turn too. It is my prayer and the prayer of teachers (who care) that parents who love and teach their children, would send them to school to mentor and set a good example to other children. We are commanded to be a light unto the world. We should engage in our Heavenly Father's goal "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." We are to be in the world and not of the world. It is possible for our children to do this. Our Heavenly Father had faith in us and gave us our free agency to make choices and mistakes and grow from them. We should show the same courage and love and let our children exercise their free agency under our guidance and care to be His missionaries. Amen
A good reminder. I just had baby #5 (Lady Harriet) and have not bounced back. I can't seem to pull myself or the household back together. I do, currently, want to hide from my children and all my responsibilities. But . . . this to shall pass. Tomorrow at least, I will have Sister Hinckley's example in my head and maybe I can do a better job of being in the now with my kids instead of waiting for bedtime with baited breath.
Crambersandkids, it sounds like you've done a fine job teaching your children. I suspect you have prayed about your children's education and received revelation regarding that. I hope you will likewise assume the same about homeschooling families.
You've listed several reasons why you think public school is an honorable choice, I could lists volumes of why it isn't for my family. The most important is that Heavenly Father doesn't want my children there, they are to be home with me.
If you've received direction from the Holy Ghost to have your children in public school, then feel fine about. Please don't be offended by those who have been directed otherwise.
What an excellent post! Thank you so much for posting it! It breaks my heart to hear these things to, and I've really never known what to say.
When I sent my children to public school I was the opposite of those women. I dreaded the first day of school and loved summer break. I despised Monday's and couldn't wait for the weekend! It never felt right to me to send my children away from me so much. I love homeschooling. Now I look forward to every day I get to be with my kids! I say why even have a family if you can't stand to be with them most of the time?
My children are still to young for public school (almost 3 and 6 months), but I have been researching a lot about homeschool. I was at a Relief Society activity with a lot of other young mothers and asked if any of them are considering homeschooling. All but one wasn't interested, which is fine. What bothered me was so many women were anxious to send their kids off to school to have a break from them/time to themselves. That made me sad.
I appreciate the comments given and the post. I sometimes want a break from my kids and time to myself, but not all day, 5 days a week.
I loved Sister Beck's comments and will keep that in mind as a continue my parenting endeavor.
I hope you aren't meaning to say that mothers who don't homeschool don't love their children. I will assume you aren't saying that. I can see how a previous poster felt defensive after reading this blog--because it could come across as 'we are better than them.' Another division...the very thing that Sister Beck encourages us NOT to seek for! Working mothers, stay at home mothers, homeschool mothers, single mothers...we are all mothers...we are all sisters. Instead we can seek to understand one another and offer support to one another.
Where might these mothers be coming from? Surely mothers who are not used to spending all day with their children during the school year face challenges that are different than those mothers who homeschool. Perhaps consider that part of the challenge might be that the children themselves have different expectations--after being in school, where the schedule is written on the board, and the bell directs you from one activity to another...is it any wonder that often children are asking what to do? And a mother who often spends her day with only the little ones at home, suddenly finds herself overwhelmed with directing the activities of the olders, keeping the housework up and tending those littles, too. She's not used to it...it feels overwhelming and she's not sure how to get it all done. Perhaps children are expecting free time, while the mother has decided it's perfect for chore time. Perhaps these mothers are feeling conflicted--because they WANT to have family time, but most of their days are spent driving kids to and from activities. Perhaps the children only want to play and haven't yet learned that work comes before play. Perhaps the siblings are struggling to get along--with some children this is harder than others (despite the amount of love & teaching moments...as Elder Faust put it, "some children require the patience of Job"...just because kids fight doesn't mean the parents haven't put forth the effort to teach them to get along!). It could even be all of the above!
I've been overwhelmed before by summer, too. For me, it is when we don't have a routine and the structure of school (whether it is homeschool or public school doesn't make a difference!) is gone. The kids WANT a break from that routine, but I don't do well without it...so we have a bit of conflict until it balances out...I learn to relax a little, I train them to stick to the basics...we find the balance of work before play...but then we play. I think that even though parents express that frustration about being with their kids all day every day, they really just need help finding the balance!
This reminds me of a similar characteristic I'm seeing leaders focus on: sacrifice. I admit, I had been feeling resentful of everything I have to sacrifice, i.e., sleep, my hobbies, personal reading for enjoyment, etc. My kids are still very little and require a lot of attention to meet their needs. But several conference talks and talks from our stake have focused on the refining process of sacrifice and lauding those who sacrifice so much for their families. That has made a huge impact on me and I'm trying to let go of that feeling of entitlement to "ME" time because I think it is contrived by the adversary who wants to keep mothers and children far apart. As I get to know my children more and become more practiced in taking care of them, it becomes less of a sacrifice and more of a joy to serve them and spend time with them. I absolutely don't want a teacher at school to know my children better than I do! My children are with ME for eternity, not that person so I should be the one to put in the effort to get to know them the best.
What a great post!!! I hear mothers say all the time they don't want school to get out and my heart breaks for those poor children. I am SO excited for Friday when my son gets out of school and I am even more excited that he won't be going back in the fall!!!
Julie Beck is amazing. Thanks for sharing the amazing quotes and for speaking out and hopefully changing some mothers perspective on school getting out. I didn't have a chance to read all the other comments so this may all be a repeat of what others have said...I will have to come back later and see how other people feel on the subject. :)
@Diana, I think you may have missed the part at the end of the post where I wrote that I also know many, many mothers (who send their children to public school) who are not like these mothers who feel trapped and at a loss when summer rolls around. They are like Sister Marjorie Hinckley was. . . .and she kept her summers unstructured!
My own sister and mother are/were public school teachers and I definitely know they love their children. The crux of the article was to address the sadness I feel for those mothers who do not look forward to having their children around and then publicly say that in front of their children. They love their children too but is that the message their children are getting when they hear mother express a view like that?
I really like how you addressed where these mothers might be coming from. It helps to look at it from a different angle.
I encourage everyone to watch Sister Beck's BYU Women's conference video. She directly addresses the issue of "feelings of entitlement" or being "owed" something. It was very moving.
Of course, there are times when every mother needs to have a break. That's why I loved Elder Ballard's admonition to husbands to "give your wife a “day away” now and then. Just take over the household and give your wife a break from her daily responsibilities. Taking over for a while will greatly enhance your appreciation of what your wife does." Notice he said "now and then" not once a week or every day. ☺
Elder Ballard also addresses not overscheduling ourselves or our children. "Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together." In my mind, this points back to Sister Hinckley keeping their summers unstructured.
Excellant post. I agree with all you have said, and have thought likewise. Many moms have said to me, infront of their kids, that they could not stand to have their kids home all day and homeschool them. I am grateful for the 13 years of homeschooling I have done. It is a great blessing.
As a child of a mother who regularly would complain about how much she didn't really like being a mom, I can tell you it can be really damaging to hear those kinds of words from your mother. Don't do it, it's cruel!
That said, I can see how some could take offense at this article. You are kind of preaching to another group that you don't really belong to, and nobody likes to be preached at by someone who doesn't really understand them. I would much rather read your tips of how you enjoy summer as a homeschooling parent, then hear you complain about some other women's annoying comments.
Katie, We are all a part of this group that is being discussed. That group is one of Mothers.
Before I began homeschooling I felt the same way. I was sad that my child was in school all day. I looked forward to Spring Break, Winter Break and especially summertime. I dreaded sending him away again with the start up of a new year. AND yet I heard mothers complaining about 3 day weekends and how their kids were in their hair when they were home.
This is NOT a homeschool vs public school issue. It is a mothering issue. As a homeschooling parent I do not approach parents who send their children to public school and say "How can you possibly be away from your children all day?" But the tables are often turned. It is common place for homeschooling parents to have others approach them and say "I could never be home with my kids all day." It's an awkward place to be in. The question is how does one respond appropriately?
Well, I would respond the same way I would anytime someone says something I don't agree with: I would either tell them directly that I think their comments are inappropriate, or I would shrug it off and give them the benefit of the doubt. I would not write an entire blog post, complete with quotes from general authorities, about how wrong they are. One of the reasons I LOVE this blog is because it is so positive and sincere. There are several blogs I have stopped reading because it felt like most of what the women had to say were complaints about their children, or about other women, or a host of other things. This post feels more like one of those kind of blog posts - a complaint about others instead of a sincere effort to make yourself and your family better. I just feel like this departs from what is otherwise a kind and loving and uplifting spirit that generally fills this blog.
I can relate to both feelings of wanting my children to be at home near me and simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by it. I think it's definitely a mothering issue at heart. Wouldn't we all agree these are pretty common feeling for anyone with a needy newborn or a trying toddler? I appreciate hearing Sister Beck's counsel and the importance of focusing on those priorities at this season of my life. I've noticed that I DO need regular "me time", but not as much of it as I once thought. Even just a few minutes here and there will often help me recharge.
I wish that other mothers would stop assuming I must have super powers because I choose to homeschool. I certainly don't. And whenever they tell me they just couldn't handle it, I try to respond honestly by telling them it is difficult but that, for me, the rewards have started to outweigh the harder parts and overall it IS getting easier. I have no doubt that many of them who say these things would be better at it than I am :)
Montserrat, thank you so much for this beautiful post. I felt that it was extremely uplifting and encouraging--such a beautiful way to look at mothering and having the opportunity to be around our children. The quotes you used were inspiring and very relevant. Thank you. I especially loved Julie B. Beck's interview with Conversations. Such a great example to look to.
Montserrat, beautifully said as always.
In regards to your question, I have heard it phrased a few different ways: "how do you cope with only having boys?!" "How on earth do you homeschool all year don't you go crazy?" "I am so excited for school to be in, I need that big break from my kids." (and from my own mother a couple weeks ago..."I needed you kids all in school, I couldn't have handled you all at home in my hair. How could I have cleaned?")
I think that it is something we all suffer from, just have the inability to express appropriatly.
Sometimes I need to have a bath or read a book, or just take a little break. We all need a little time to recharge. When some mother says something like that to me, I just express that very thing to them. I need a time to recharge as well, but my children are my greatest blessing and I cherish the time that I GET to spend with them.
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