Have you ever looked at the members in your ward or the Super Awesome Homeschooling Mommy bloggers and felt as though you haven't measured up? In the interest of keeping it real, I will admit here and now that I almost always feel like a failure. Homeschooling-compared to blogs, I feel as though I'm never crafty enough, creative enough, or fun enough. Housekeeping-I've had to talk w/ people on the porch because my house wasn't clean enough to let them in. Appearance-there are women at church who actually wear their hair styled in something other than a pony tail, have on cute clothes that managed to escape spit up, and oh my heck! they are wearing stilettos! I want to wear stilettos!
More keeping it real: I have purposefully avoided talking much about the Gospel. I feel so lost in my spiritual journey and have for several years. I never wanted to be deceptive about it and preach things that I struggled with myself. So I stuck to the "homeschooling" aspect of this blog and purposefully avoided the "Latter day Saint" aspect. Our family was technically inactive most of last year and inactive is a good way to describe how I felt about it all. Apathetic. Knowing I ought to be doing better, but knowing that trying was hard and failing made me feel worse.
This year, I resolved to do better, at least with church attendance. It helped that Church now started at 11:30 instead of 9. I still had to get myself and three children ready and last all three hours without the help of my husband. I am happy to report that every week there hasn't been a sick child, we have gone. (Except the time I had a small kitchen fire while trying to make breakfast and then couldn't find my shoes. I'm pretty sure God will forgive me for that week)
I'm still a pretty big failure though. Every week, I sit in the foyer and read Believing Christ, the scriptures, or the Charlotte Mason works. Part of it is that I had one child newly in nursery and one newly in Primary. It was easier to stay where the teachers could easily find me. And part of it was because I'd rather be alone in the foyer than feel alone in a room full of people (yes, I know that's my fault).
Anyway, today my mom and sister came to church with me. They are visiting from out of state. I couldn't really hide in the foyer with them nor could I send them off to class while I hid by myself. So off to class we went. One of the talks in this week's lesson was the one playing above. It's hard not to fall in love with every talk by Jeffrey R. Holland.
The quote that struck me the most is this: “Then Peter, why are you here? Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn’t it obvious then and isn’t it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish? What I need, Peter, are disciples—and I need them forever. I need someone to feed my sheep and save my lambs. I need someone to preach my gospel and defend my faith. I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me, and loves what our Father in Heaven has commissioned me to do. Ours is not a feeble message. It is not a fleeting task. It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history. It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world. So, Peter, for the second and presumably the last time, I am asking you to leave all this and to go teach and testify, labor and serve loyally until the day in which they will do to you exactly what they did to me.”
Even with my apathy, this truly describes what I want for my children and myself. I do want to be a great disciple, but I am just not sure how to go about getting there. At some point, as I was mulling over the lesson from today, I thought that maybe I should just start with something basic and make it a habit. What I chose as the first habit was family scripture study. So everyday for the next month, we will do family scripture study and on my next blog post, I will give everyone an update and maybe even pick a new goal.
Megan is the proud mommy of three sweet children: Pigby (boy, age 7), Digby (boy, age 3), and Chuck (girl, age 2). She would like to hear of other women who've had challenges in their life and how they have overcome them, so please, leave lots of comments below :-)